2. Why the Sky
Trusting oneself is exactly what we fail to do when we are addicted. We keep letting our promises to ourselves become changeable, unrecognizable, morphing into other ideas that best soothe our discomfort, and especially our anger in being the very creators of this cycle.
The ache inside is too great with the only escape being ‘the valve’ that lets the pressure out. For some, the valve is cutting ourselves, or having a few drinks, or a daily marijuana habit, or eating chips, or gossiping, or biting our nails, or shooting heroin. It doesn’t matter what pulls us away from trust in our adult-self to acting out our child-self. We know we must do something to grow up but we can become lost in these shorter-term comforts. Eventually, it becomes apparent that our self-parenting skills suck.
“See the sun, it pokes through the sky. Never ask how or wonder why.”
Sometimes we meet people who shine like holes poked into the black cardboard we’re trying to see through. Their love and attention can break through our barriers, reaching in to pull you up into the light where, at the start, you’re grouchy, uncomfortable, yet eventually warmed in the heat of belonging to someone. We reach for this light instinctively, feeling it out with blinded newborn eyes, seeking to escape the self-created womb which has become too small for our growth.
“Are you the miracle, come to make me sober? Are you the valiant fool, come to make me strong?”
People need help, especially in learning to help themselves. Yet, we must remember that the light of help in other people is only an introduction.
As we grow up, we learn that human beings have limited energy, patience, perfection - perhaps we should be economical with human generosity when offered. Our lovers, our family, our friends are just like us – delicate, changeable – and capable of offering the most inspirational and fleeting glimpse of how impossibly bright love can be.
When we’re addicted, we’re really not in our right minds due to this limited perspective so when we fall in love, it’s easy to trick ourselves into believing that the light we feel is the property of those who say they love us. For those of us who grew up with addicted parents, we know very well how to wait for ‘the milk of mother’ to be doled out to us per their wishes and control….or not. This is the cheapest and darkest imitation of what love is.
Whenever you want the highest quality of love and information, the best advice has always and will always be, go to the source
I learned long ago that my aches were created by the illusions that my early caregivers gave me. None of it came from me. That black cardboard shade of depression and shame was not a permanent part of me, after all. I didn’t have to squint through and work so hard through the darkness. I could learn to stop that story and observe from a higher place, high enough to discover that the shade I was given to wear was much smaller than me and easily removable.
For me, there is only one constant true love and it has nothing to do with another person. To surrender to a higher power is to become an adult removing the dark mask, the dark barrier, the perceived prison walls; and realize there are no sides, there is nothing hidden from us, and that the sun can always be ours.
But first, we have to choose to expose ourselves and come to realize that we are enough to deserve this warmth. When we choose to be lifted from a more permanent source - the highest source, the best source - we transform from the hand that reaches up in desperate need to eventually become the hand that reaches down and out to others.
We can become the sun that pokes through the sky; encouraging others to wonder why.