What's Been Happening
Dear Friends,
Over the last several months, I’ve been neglecting my social media pages since I started a new day job in late January…and I just didn’t have the bandwidth to continue with promoting my Sing with Soul in Seven Weeks course.
So, I just stopped.
The other thing is that late last summer, I began weekly therapy sessions in an attempt to reconcile with the complex traumas that can sometimes make my life difficult and cause delays. During these darker times, I usually remain pretty functional since creating art in general really gives me a sense of healthy purpose and satisfaction.
So, why did my passion fade?
I had lingering doubts that this was the best offering for my intentions and I wanted to be sure that this was something that would really benefit people.
I originally developed the course during a few months of unemployment and I took that time to fully immerse myself into the nerve wracking trials of learning an online course platform, videoing myself (eek), coming out of my shell and standing up for my product. This was a very steep learning curve into the tools and costs of social media marketing.
For a team of one, that is a tough gig. I went into debt and thanks to my new day job, it’s only now that I’ve almost been able to pay off most of the rent payments and credit card bills I’d accumulated.
I also spent time questioning if my annoyance with social media marketing was legitimate. Truth be told, I really don’t have the time or creative energy to be “building the audience” without stunting my own creative development and healing. I had to make choices.
I truly admire artists who have embraced this new media world. I’m a generation Xer and I remember when artists were allowed to just be artists and everyone had their place in the marketing team…but I also love technology. Now, social media marketing has artists increasing their skillsets and reach tenfold; all the while being pressured to produce “content” to entertain and entice.
I guess overall, for artist reach - it's a good thing. But I’m not that good at it….yet. I’m starting to be OK with it, though. I had to face that my talent and energy has limits and I’m only a human being. Technology may move forward but the human condition is another thing entirely.
The other consideration for me is that I happen to have a horrible backlog of experiences to process with my therapist and I have to admit -- it’s only recently that I’m only coming out to feeling some sense of peace with it all instead of anger.
I also have to maintain sobriety. It’s also been over 425 days since I have been free from marijuana addiction. I’d been smoking weed off an on since I was about 12-14 years old and this is the longest I’ve ever been sober. In the grand scheme of things, I guess a year isn’t a great deal of time to reset your brain to facing the reality of life instead of running from it.
Honestly, I don't feel any guilt in neglecting things. However, for the small amount of people who have been interested in my work, I do feel I owe you an explanation because I appreciate you. I really hope you hang in there and that it's worth the wait to keep me in mind. :)
So, all of this to say, is that I had to seriously consider what was serving me and what would best serve others.
Here’s what I discovered:
Don’t Begin in Fear
How I started my course was, in part, born of fear and maybe desperation. I had quit my job in a blaze of glory and I thought that a coaching product would be a way I could make money quickly. I could live the dream of being self employed and not have to deal with difficult people! But I underestimated the skills and funding needed to make it happen in a short time frame.
What fear does - at least for me - is it compromises my sense of self. I had to ask tough questions:
I may be funny but do I really want to dance on TikTok? Do I really want to feel pressured to produce content half-heartedly? Do I really believe in my product enough to want to encourage people to buy it? Do I really want the pressure to put on full make up everyday to promote my face while developing public speaking skills?
I actually believed in what I was doing but I did have a lingering feeling that I wasn’t quite explaining and positioning the information as well as I could. I was missing something.
And in this 5 second world, could I really explain the depth of what “life coaching for singers” really is? That said, I did what was best with the information (and awareness) I had at the time.
Trying Something New is Good
I stuck myself out there and I’m glad I did. I accumulated many new skills (video editing, social media planning, meme creation, etc). I also learned what I can do now and what I need help with. In other words, I learned a lot about social media and what those limitations are with respect to my skillset.
Social Media Has Flaws
I also learned I have a rightful and deep distrust of Facebook and I do not like depending on this platform’s ads to make a living. In fact, a few weeks ago, I posted one of Facebook’s unicorn emoji’s as a positive comment to a post and to my shock, my accounts were compromised for sexual & hate speech. I emailed and asked for advice but I think we all know no one actually works there. It took 2 weeks for the bot police to come back and say Ooops. We’re just part of a learning AI system that is deeply flawed. And AI don't care.
It was then that I was thankful that I don’t have many followers and I started looking at other platforms to frame my online future. But I’d spent so much time studying Facebook & Ads that I was a tired of the whole chase.
Stay in Your Lane Until the Road Widens
Then, I started getting some real feedback on my course itself. I noticed that people were excited about my ideas - and with this, I agree passionately. The Sing with Soul course is full of great, deep and important ideas with broad application. But while I feel solid about the content, I wasn't confident about the production. It was “good enough” but as I became more savvy, I knew it was not excellent.
The voice over recordings, the videos, and the overall production still need improvements to match a professional level that i would be proud of. But, I would need help with this, I would need a team. Perhaps I could do this myself with some instruction but right now, I don’t have the time to work on that.
I started to think of my strengths. I prayed for an answer and I got it.
I’m a Writer
I also learned that I need the opportunity of writing & editing to refine my cptsd brain and to feel safe in my expression.
I'm a good writer. I had my stories published in my town newspaper as child and I’ve always said that I can express myself better in writing. Maybe one day I’ll be a fine public speaker and video presenter but right now, I really need the medium of writing to hone in on the best version of my thoughts.
I remembered that my course began as a book draft called Sacred Singing. I had a look at those old drafts from ten years ago and I can now see that I was pretty confused about what I wanted to say back then….and I started something new that helped me through until now.
Creating the online course forced me into creating a great structure for an outline. The seven modules I’d created are truly the touch points of focus and now they are the new chapters of a book. This is going to take many months to complete, but I believe this is happening for a reason.
I believe God put this seed into my heart and wants it to grow in excellence, not fear. I can’t be driven by “making a living” and I need to focus on effectively communicating the love and truth of my message.
While the course is good and fairly priced, I feel called to offer a deeper dive in the form of a book. And in turn, this book will eventually serve to continuously improve the content of the course.
I’m a Singer
I’ve also returned to working on myself as a singer and have been actively recording many new vocal demos. This way, I can continue to walk the path of what I’m teaching.
Recording on my own is scary. I don’t have the greatest equipment. I had lost some of my technique and am still improving my physical health but I’m being patient. I have high standards and I’m learning to relax.
My high standards come from fear, after all and that is the legacy of c-ptsd. It’s one thing to want an industry standard album but the process of posting vocal demos has really fortified my soul. Even if no one listens, I gain so much pleasure from the privilege of being blessed enough to make a sound. And it’s a double blessing if someone is inspired by it and finds it beautiful.
We only have so many hours in the day and I learned my own lesson in walking My Path - that I need to plan to bring more singing in my life.
My Path
So, my path is keeping a day job as an Executive Assistant. It’s something I’m very good at and it’s a good salary. It keeps me safe and soon, I’ll be debt-free and able to invest some money in my true love, my art.
I’ll continue to write my book while working on my physical health and singing voice. I’ll continue to record vocal demos and eventually, I’ll start filming myself again. Eventually.
Eventually, I’ll start the cycle of promotion in a new, fresh way.
Eventually, I’ll get to a point of completing this important work.
But what about the expectations of other people?
Well. Other people will have to wait until I'm done. And they will be OK with that. In fact, some won't even notice.
Eventually, I’ll get there.
But, where is “there”? When is “eventually”?
"There" is a place of peace, a place of contentment.
And “when”? Well, it is now. Because funnily enough, I’ve already arrived.